I never want to go back to 345 pounds. And I don’t want that construed as an anti-fat sentiment. I’ll always be a Big Girl in my Heart, and will always have an unending supply of empathy and knowing towards anyone struggling with weight issues, or the general malaise of not feeling good enough.
I don’t want to go back to the 300’s again because it was a physical burden. Which was the direct result of an emotional burden. Which I attempted to remedy by soothing myself with food. So there I was for the majority of my life: trapped in a cycle, searching for wholeness and resolution that was never to be found…at least not in a bag of cheeseburgers and fries, eaten alone in my car in a remote corner of a parking lot.
Tired of trying to force myself to not overeat, and worn-out from society’s labels and blaming myself, and battered from my own harsh way of speaking to myself, I decided to take myself out of the game. And play a new one, called “Loving Myself No Matter What.”
Man, I was rusty at first. You know that inborn Joy every baby comes in with? It was drained from my body and energy field, little by little over the decades. On the surface it seemed I just didn’t have the capacity for self-esteem. But somewhere at the core I knew that wasn’t true. So I got to work, acting as if. Yes, Truth-Seekers, I faked it till I made it. I consider nailing self-esteem at 300 pounds a far greater accolade than dropping 185. The former is not only more meaningful, it took more courage and tenacity.
So when I say I have no hope or desire to return to three bills, it’s simply because I enjoy my physical (and emotional) freedom far too much to give them up or relinquish them to the false notion that I’ve arrived at the finish line. There are still uncomfortable feelings to wade through, trying days to master without running to a drive-thru, and disappointments of every stripe.
The trials come, and they go. It’s part of life and being at a lower weight is no magic garlic necklace that keeps the vampires away. But clearing away the physical and emotional burdens now allow me, my mind, and my digestive track to be at Peace. Regular, everyday Peace. Now that’s priceless.
Where are you on your journey? It all starts within. Lasting change can’t come any other way. I can’t tell you where or how to begin, but to expedite things, it’s a big help to take blame right out of the equation. It’s such an energy drain anyway. Channel it into something more fun…You deserve it.